How To Build A Resume

Coffe cup and chocolate candy on white background

Coffe cup and chocolate candy on white background

“What makes chocolate amazing?” asked Natalie.

“Besides the fact that it’s one of the few things that make life worth living?” said Julie.

“Yeah, but why does it make life worth living?”

“I heard it was one of the two most chemically complex tastes in all of nature,” said Julie.

“What’s the other one?”

“Coffee.”

“That totally makes sense. Coffee and chocolate are amazing together,” said Natalie.

“I can’t live without either of them,” mused Julie.

“Me, either. I wonder if there’s anything else I couldn’t live without,” said Natalie.

“Water, oxygen, sleep,” said Julie.

“Those are essentials. We all need those to live. I’m talking things that make life worth living. You know, reasons for getting up in the morning,” said Natalie.

Julie thought for a second. “I can’t really think of anything.’

“What about hobbies?”

“Like shopping?”

“I can’t believe you said that. We’re modern women. We don’t live down to stereotypes. We’re bright and bold. We’re innovators and leaders,” Natalie.

“I’m not any of that until I’ve had my first cup of coffee,” said Julie.

Natalie laughed. “Me neither.”

“So, what did we just learn from all this? As far as I can tell, we’re shallow,” said Julie.

“That’s not right. We’re plenty deep,” said Natalie.

“How do you figure that?”

“At least we recognize the awesomeness of chocolate and coffee. Not everyone does that, you know,” said Natalie.

“That’s right. We’re connoisseurs of complex tastes,” said Julie.

“Connoisseurs. I like that. We’re connoisseurs. I may put that on my resume,” said Natalie.

“I already have. That’s just how deep I am,” said Julie.

Posted in chocolate, coffee, fiction, flash fiction, humor, humour, resume, short fiction, short story, story | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’ve been shortlisted for a Word Guild Award!

TheWordAward_Finalist_Contemporary-2

A big thank you to the World Guild for considering my novel for this prestigious award. The awards gala will be held June 13th.

Posted in fiction, Finalist, novel, Word Guild, Word Guild Award | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

The Wrong Idea

iu

Bruce arrived at school to pick up his son and discovered a woman marching with a picket sign.

“No more animal testing!” she shouted.

Bruce tried to avoid her, but after making eye contact, she wasn’t about to let him pass.

“You, don’t you love animals?” she asked.

“I suppose,” said Bruce.

“Then join me in stopping animal testing. Sign my petition,” she said.

“Um,” said Bruce. He looked around for someone who might help him escape this woman, but to no avail.

“Animal testing is cruel!” shouted the woman.

“Yeah, but why picket in front of an elementary school?” asked Bruce.

“Where else would I do it?”

“Maybe in front of a lab where they actually do animal testing,” suggested Bruce.

The woman laughed. “You can’t fool me. You’re from the school. This man promotes cruelty to animals! Shame on you!”

“What are you talking about? I’m a dad picking up his kid.”

“I’m sure. You probably know all the dirty little secrets behind this.”

“Lady, you’re crazy,” said Bruce.

Bruce turned to walk away. The lady smacked him with her sign. He could feel a welt form on the back of his head.

“What’s the matter with you? I’m telling the office about you!” yelled Bruce.

“Go ahead. I’ll tell the the whole world about how you people subject innocent little animals to cruel testing. As if their little minds can understand science and mathematics,” said the woman.

Bruce stopped. “What did you say?”

“I know all about how this school makes bunnies and hamsters take the same tests as their human cousins. As if they even care about our history. Animals should be educated according to their abilities and level of understanding,” explained the woman.

“Is this a joke? Is there some hidden camera somewhere?”

“What are you talking about? You can’t distract me from my mission,” declared the woman.

Bruce dialed 9-1-1. “You’re right. I’ve just called the police. I think you should tell them everything you know. They might be able to help.”

The woman lowered her sign and smiled. “Thank you. It’s nice to know someone finally understands.”

Posted in animal testing, epic fail, fiction, flash fiction, humor, humour, school, short fiction, short story, story | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Nose Stud Hypothesis

iu

It was a moment of celebration mixed with overwhelming relief. After months of preparation, the sales team presented their pitch. It was a thirty minute multimedia extravaganza.

Afterwards, the team gathered at the Thirsty Pigeon to decompress.

Ed sat down at the table across from Bridgette, Lacy and Darius.

“Bridgette, now that this is over, there’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask you,” said Ed.

Bridgette glanced over at Lacy uncertainly. “Okay.”

“You have a nose piercing,” said Ed. He hesitated nervously.

Darius frowned as Lacy shuffled uncomfortably in her seat.

“What about it?” asked Bridgette.

“I was wondering, if you plug your nose when you sneeze, with the stud shoot out the side of your nose?” asked Ed.

Lacy choked on her wine. Darius shook his head at looked away. Bridgette stared at Ed in stunned silence.

“I mean, I’ve noticed you don’t have a backing in your nose, so there’s nothing really to keep it from blowing out, presumably,” explained Ed.

Bridgette covered her face. “You’ve been looking up my nose?”

“You can’t ask Bridgette something like that. It’s personal,” objected Lacy.

“It’s just a question. I’m not asking her to try it,” Ed said to Lacy. He turned to Bridgette and added, “But if you want to, I’d love to see it.”

Darius growled. “Shut up now,” he whispered.

“That’s totally inappropriate,” said Lacy.

Ed shrugged. “It’s just a question.”

“One you should keep to yourself,” said Lacy.

“Why? I was always told there was no such thing as a stupid question,” said Ed.

“Just stupid people who ask questions,” spat Lacy.

“Hold on. I asked a simple question. It’s practically scientific. You called me stupid. That’s way worse that what I did,” said Ed angrily.

“He is right,” said Darius. “What you did is way worse.”

“Are you kidding me?” asked Lacy.

Darius looked at Bridgette. “You’ve been quiet through all this. What do you think?”

Lacy placed her hand on Bridgette’s arm. “You don’t have to answer that.”

“It’s okay, Lacy. Stop making such a fuss,” said Bridgette. She turned to Ed and batted her eyes. “Actually, I’ve always wondered that myself. Do you want to try and see together?”

Lucy folded her arms in a huff. Darius couldn’t believe any of this was actually happening.

Ed smiled. He and Bridgette got married six months later.

Posted in fiction, flash fiction, humor, humour, marriage, nose stud, question, romance, romantic, short fiction, short story, story | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Steaming Cup of Crazy

Cafe-Patio

Sitting on the patio of Morton’s Café, Hector breathed deeply. “I love Spring in the city.”

“Nothing like stepping through freshly thawed garbage,” said Stewart.

“Or the smell. Nasty,” added Ramona.

“You two are pessimists,” said Hector. “And look at all the people on the street. It’s like a long winter hibernation is over.”

“Because there’s nothing like a group of crazy people to sell the benefits of a city,” scoffed Ramona.

“What’s wrong with people? People are great,” said Hector.

“Sure, people are great. It’s the crazy I can’t handle,” said Ramona.

“You see crazy, I see eccentric,” said Hector.

Stewart shook his head at Hector. “Yesterday I watched a guy stand there and applaud every time an automatic door opened.”

“Maybe he appreciates technology,” said Hector.

“Maybe he thinks invisible men open the door for people,” said Stewart.

“What about this? Yesterday I watched an obese woman do ballet while holding onto the fence outside Starbucks,” said Ramona.

“Maybe she was dancing like no one was watching,” said Hector.

“Everybody was watching. Did I mention she was wearing yoga pants?” said Ramona.

“Ew,” said Stewart.

“Everyone is beautiful in their own way,” said Hector.

At that moment, a ragged looking man approached the table, picked up Hector’s plate and walked away.

“That eccentric enough for you?” asked Ramona.

Hector broke out in hilarious laughter. “That was awesome! Did you see that? You can’t make that stuff up. Ha!”

Stewart leaned over to Ramona and whispered, “I always figured he’d be the first of us to crack.”

Posted in city, crazy, fiction, flash fiction, humor, humour, short fiction, short story, Spring, story | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

How Life Altering Decisions Are Made

iu

Becoming witty was one of Janet’s life goals. She focused everything, even her choice of friends, to that end. Unfortunately, her brain was just too slow for her mouth.

When Janet’s friends got together, the banter was electric. Trash-talking, pith and witticisms flew around the room. It made Janet dizzy.

As much fun as these times were, they also left Janet melancholy. Try as she might, she wasn’t quick enough to participate. She would often think of the right thing to say an hour later.

Instead of wallowing in self-pity, Janet began to study. At the next night out, she determined to be prepared.

That evening came just a week later at Café Pompous.

“Mags, I was thinking,” started JP.

“Here we go,” said Ellis.

“Suppose you were a lawyer, and suppose you were an idiot. But I repeat myself,” said JP. The others around the table chortled.

“JP, if your were my husband, I’d poison your drink,” replied Magdalena.

“Mags, if you were my wife, I’d drink it,” said JP. The eruption of laughter at the table disturbed the other tables in the restaurant.

“Don’t worry, JP. You have no enemies, but you are intensely disliked by your friends,” added Racquelle.

“Rocky, some cause happiness wherever they go. You cause happiness whenever you go,” said Ellis.

The revelry around the table excited Janet. It was time to enter the fray.

“Thou wilt fall backward when thou has more wit,” Janet shouted to no one in particular.

The table went silent.

“Huh?” said Magdalena.

“Thou vain clapper-clad bum-bailey!” continued Janet, laughing at herself.

Racquelle rolled her eyes. “Awkward,” she whispered to JP.

“What are you doing?” asked Ellis.

“I’m adding my two cents worth, you villainous motley-minded codpiece,” said Janet.

“That about all it’s worth,” mumbled Magdalena.

Janet suddenly became painfully aware of the four sets of eyes staring at her in disbelief.

“You’re just quoting Shakespeare,” said JP.

“You’re quoting people, too,” protested Janet.

“Yes, but when we do it, we’re clever,” said Racquelle.

“Humble much?” snapped Janet. Her face was becoming flushed.

“Now that you mention it, I’m far too humble,” mused Racquelle.

“Janet, did you memorize Shakespeare just to impress us?” asked Ellis. His tone was condescending.

“If she did, it was an epic fail. I have no idea what a bum-bailey is,” said JP.

“I could tell you, but you don’t want to know,” winked Racquelle.

“I just got a mental image. I need mental floss to get it out,” groaned Magdalena.

“Seriously, Jan. We love that you hang with us, but do us a favour,” said JP.

“Don’t talk. Like, ever,” added Racquelle.

“Oh, burn,” said Ellis. Everyone laughed, except Janet.
Tears welled up in Janet’s eyes. She rose to her feet and grabbed her bag.

“Where are you going?” asked JP.

“I changed my mind. I just decided to pursue wisdom,” said Janet.

“Yawn! That’s so boring,” said Magdalena.

“Maybe, but I’ve already learned my first lesson,” said Janet. She turned on her heels and stormed out.

Ellis stared suspiciously at everyone around the table. “Okay,” he said, “who pee’d in her cornflakes?”

Posted in fiction, flash fiction, friends, humor, humour, short fiction, short story, story, wisdom, wit, witty | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Medical Humour

iu

The problem started as a small purple dot on the back of Kelly’s left hand. Within a month, it looked like a mole. Kelly went to the pharmacy, hoping to discover a way to remove it. That only made things worse. It started to bleed. And grow.

The more it grew, the more it bled. The last thing a twenty-three year old paramedic needed was a hideous looking open wound on the back of her hand.

The epidemiologist diagnosed her growth as a pyrogenic granuloma, a common condition and simple to treat. She watched in fascination as the doctor snipped off the growth and cauterized the wound.

“It was cool,” Kelly concluded, as she related her experience to the others at work.

“Technically speaking, cautery is hot,” said Eugene.

Kelly rolled her eyes. “I meant the whole procedure.”

Eugene shrugged. “Just sayin’.”

“Did you get a whiff of your own burning flesh?” asked Brandy.

“Yeah. I liked the smell. It was sweet,” said Kelly.

“Really?” asked Eugene.

“I learned something about myself today,” said Kelly, reflectively. “I’d be tasty on the barbecue.”

“Yum,” said Eugene.

“I’ll keep that in mind next summer,” said Brandy.

Posted in cautery, fiction, flash fiction, humor, humour, medical, paramedic, short fiction, short story, story | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments