The Diet

“I’ve made up my own diet. It’s totally awesome,” said Moonbeam. Her El Salvadoran maid Esmeralda set a plate of charred toast before her.

“Ew. Your maid totally  ruined your brunch,” scoffed Grape.

“No, that’s the diet. Isn’t it awesome?”

“You’re on a burned toast diet?” Asked Grape. Esmeralda set a bowl of red grapes in front of her.

“It’s not just toast. You burn everything. It takes the calories out of the food even before you eat them,” explained Moonbeam.

“I don’t get it.”

“Well, duh. Everybody talks about burning calories doing exercise n’ stuff. I thought, why not burn the calories before you eat them?”

Grape’s face lit up. “You’re a genius.”

“I know, right?”

“I still don’t get it,” said Grape.

“Calories burn, so why not burn them even before you put them in your mouth?”

“Oh. That totally makes sense. Esmeralda,” said Grape. Esmeralda appeared as if from out of the wall. “Burn my grapes.”

Esmeralda hesitated. “Excuse me, ma’am?”

“Are you deaf? I’m going to try Moonbeam’s diet.”

Without a word, Esmeralda took away Grape’s bowl. She entered the kitchen, met the chef and explained the demand. The chef scowled.

“I know,” said Esmeralda. “I can’t believe I risked my life for this, either.”

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Virusgirl

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After the morning rush at the coffee shop Sandy covered her mouth and ran to the back. Miguel noticed her and followed.

“Are you okay?” asked Miguel.

“I don’t feel so good,” mumbled Sandy.

“You look pale.”

“I threw up before work,” admitted Sandy. She rubbed her forehead and sat down.

“You came to work sick? Who knows how many people you infected,” said Miguel. “Not to mention the rest of the staff.”

Sandy waved her hand dismissively. “I did you a favour.”

“Are you delirious? You’re patient zero of a world wide epidemic and you say your doing me a favour?” said Miguel, sarcastically.

“Whatever. It’s just a flu. You should thank me. You’ll be over this while everyone else is getting sick.”

“That makes me feel so much better.”

“Besides,” interrupted Sandy, “I’m kinda saving the human race.”

Miguel threw up his hands. “How do you figure that?”

“We’re a generation obsessed with antibiotics. What we need are antibodies. The only real way of getting them is fighting off viruses. By spreading this around, I’m helping all of humanity.”

“You’re nuts if…”

Before Miguel could finish his thought, Sandy ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Miguel shook his head. “Way to be a superhero.”

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After A Meeting With The English Teacher

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“I spoke with your English teacher today,” Will said to his son Ronny.

“‘Sup?” said Ronny, his earbuds still firmly implanted in his ears.

“She said you haven’t read a single novel this year,” accused Will.

Ronny chuckled. “Yeah.”

“Don’t you think that’s a problem?”

“Nah,” said Ronny with a smirk.

“What’s so funny?” asked Will. He was growing irritated.

“Nuthin’.”

“I asked you a question,” demanded Will.

“Chill. It’s just Youtube, see?” said Ronny as he showed him a cat video on his iPad.

“That doesn’t explain why you haven’t read anything for your English class.”

“Dad, it’s cool. I just watch the movies. Ms. Norton says it’s okay.”

Will stood there with his hands on his hips. “How’s that okay? It’s English. It’s language. It’s the foundation of all culture and learning. One of the greatest advancements in human history. You can’t just cast it aside for some cat video.”

“That vein in your head’s sticking out again,” said Ronny “I should get that on video. That’d totally go viral.”

Will wiped his brow. “I’m witnessing the death of civilization.”

Ronny didn’t hear what his dad said. He was busy watching another video.

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Sweet, Spicy and Clueless

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Dalton sat alone at his table tapping away on his smartphone, hoping to mask the fact that he got stood up.

No patron in the restaurant could possibly know that it was the third time he’d been stood up in the past month.

He tried to chalk it up to the perils of online dating, but that didn’t lessen the sting.

“Do you want to order, or are you waiting for someone else?” asked Janet, his server.

Dalton looked up and recognized her from his last failed date. “It’s just me tonight,” he said.

Janet flashed him an encouraging smile. “Alright, then. What would you like this evening?”

For a brief second he thought about saying something witty and charming, but then his mind went blank. “I’ll have the fettucini alfredo,” was all he could manage to say.

“I think you had that the last time,” said Janet.

Dalton’s heart sank. He was hoping she wouldn’t recognize him.

“May I make a suggestion?” she asked.

Dalton shrugged. “Why not?”

Janet leaned against the table. “Have you thought about trying something new? Perhaps something out of your usual taste?”

“Like what?”

“Perhaps something sweet and spicy.”

Dalton thought he noticed a glint in her eye. “I could be convinced.”

“We have a lamb biryani that’s amazing. Perhaps you’d like to give it a try?” said Janet. She smiled ever so sweetly.

Dalton straightened himself in his seat. He saw where this was going. “Only if you join me.”

Janet blushed and stepped away from the table. “Excuse me?”

“I thought, I mean, I just thought…” stammered Dalton.

“I’m not flirting with you. It’s my job. I’m married. Maybe someone else should serve,” said Janet. She wheeled around and stormed off.

It was Dalton’s turn to blush. He could feel the disturbing stares of the other patrons. Without making eye contact, Dalton slunk away. He was still hungry, but at least he figured out why he was still single.

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The Great Candy Conspiracy

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They had to be at the family gathering in fifteen minutes and Holly loathed being late. She reached over from the passenger’s seat and honked the horn. A few seconds later Damien appeared.

“C’mon. We gotta get going,” said Holly.

Damien sat down and started the car. “They only had watermelon and fruit punch candies.”

“So?”

“Those are the two worst kinds.”

Holly sighed and flipped twirled her hair. “I can’t believe you made us late because of candy.”

“It’s the principle.”

“Really,” said Holly, skeptically.

“Yes. Why do they make candies no body likes? It makes no sense,” vented Damien.

“I think you’re avoiding my family.”

Damien slapped the steering wheel. “Why do you always go there? It has nothing to do with them.”

“You don’t like them.”

“They’re not my favorite people in the world, but this is something bigger. It’s a conspiracy,” said Damien.

“With candy companies?”

“Yes. Like, why do they keep selling flavours we don’t like? And why do they sell flavours that don’t match at all with the real world? Have you tasted watermelon candies? They don’t taste anything like real watermelons. And don’t even get me started on fruit punch. I don’t know what fruit they’re using for that foul concoction,” fumed Damien.

“Are you listening to yourself? You sound crazy, and I can only handle so many cups of crazy before it gives me the shakes. I need you to be sane tonight,” said Holly.

“Are you referring to your crazy family?” asked Damien, knowingly.

Holly glared at Damien. “You know what I mean.”
“And you wonder why I drag my feet,” said Damien.

“Is that a confession?”

Damien looked at Holly slyly. “Maybe. I only deal with one conspiracy at a time.”

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The Skyrim Determination

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“You’ll never guess what I saw yesterday,” Wendy said to Carlo over dinner.

“Do you really want me to guess or are you using a rhetorical device?” asked Carlo.

Wendy rolled her eyes. “It’s a rhetorical device, obviously.”

“Okay, sorry. What did you see yesterday?”

“A hitchhiker. Can you believe it?”

Carlo clutched his chest. “You should say things like that. My heart can barely take the shock,” he said.

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Rhetorical device.”

“You’re hilarious.”

“I know,” said Carlo between bites of spaghetti. “So what was strange about this hitchhiker? Was he carrying a bloody axe and wearing a goalie mask?”

Wendy rolled her eyes again. “You’re not that funny. And it was a she. I’m just saying you don’t see that anymore.”

Carlo took a sip of wine as Wendy spoke. “I still don’t get it,” he said.

“What kind of person would hitchhike in this day and age?

“Maybe she was desperate. Maybe her car broke down,” said Carlo.

“She didn’t look like the kind of person who owns a car,” said Wendy.

“Then maybe she just wants an adventure.”

Wendy stared at Carlo in disbelief. “That’s stupid.”

“What? Some people live for adventure. Not everyone settles for the virtual adventure of Skyrim, or whatever video game your playing,” said Carlo.

Wendy waved her fork at Carlo. “Don’t you dare mock Skyrim,” she said.

“Now that’s stupid. You can’t be serious.”

“Yeah? Well, it’s obvious you don’t get me, so I don’t think we should see each other any more,” said Wendy, getting up from the table.

“You can’t be serious.”

Wendy stuck out her thumb and waved it in Carlo’s face. “Just think of it as my first adventure in real life.”

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First World Survival Techniques

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“Dane, we gotta do somethin’. I’m dyin’,” complained Brett as he leaned out of the window of Dane’s car.

“I know. The air conditioning died yesterday,” said Dane. “I have no idea where we are.”

“Why’d we road trip on the hottest weekends of the year? It’s like a thousand degrees with a million percent humidity,” moaned Brett.

“How was I supposed to know?” asked Dane, defensively.

“Road trips, man. They’re not supposed to suck like this. What’re we gonna do?”

“I’m lookin’. Maybe there’s a fast food place somewhere,” said Dane.

“It better have aircon. I’m just sayin’,” said Brett.

“Look over there. Is that a McSub’s sign?”

“Please let it be cool,” said Brett.

They cruised to the restaurant, only to discover a line of people out the door.

“C’mon, man! I’m gonna pass out here. I may actually die,” said Brett.

“I don’t see anything else around,” said Dane.

“This can’t be happening.”

Dane turned into the drive-thru lane.

“What’re you doin’?” asked Brett.

Dane smiled. “Trust me on this.”

They pulled up to the window and placed their order. A minute later, after they got their food, Dane parked the car.

“Are we just gonna sit here and eat? At least if we’re moving we’d have the wind,” complained Brett.

“Shut up and grab your food,” said Dane. He got out of the car and slammed the door.

“What are we doing?”

“We’re gonna enjoy the air conditioned comfort of McSub’s,” said Dane as he walked past the huge line of waiting customers.

“We just skipped the line,” Brett whispered.

“D’ya think?”

Dane sat at a table underneath a cooling vent. “That’s survival in the big city,” he said.

Brett sat down and basked in the cooling breeze. “You, my friend, are my hero.”

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