Live Girls and Funeral Homes

The hockey game reached the second intermission. Doug got up, but Sid remained firmly in his seat.

“I met a girl,” said Sid.

“Dude, not again,” said Doug as he sat back down. “I want a beer.”

“No, man. She’s different. She’s smart. Got a career an’ everything,” said Sid.

“Lemme guess. She’s a circus freak. No, no, I’ve got it. Pig farmer. That girl who holds up the signs at road construction sites,” said Doug.

“I’m serious. She went to school an’ everything,” said Sid.

“That can only mean one of two things. She’s either really ugly or she went to the school of cosmetology,” said Doug.

“I don’t know why I try to talk to you,” said Sid.

“Because I’m your big brother. Check out the little gaffers playing hockey. One’s on a breakaway. He fell down. Ha! That’s so funny,” said Doug.

Sid hid his face in a program.

“What? Tell me,” said Doug. Sid turned away. “I’m sorry. I’m listening. Now I am. What’s she do?”

Sid looked cautiously at Doug. “Okay. She’s a mortician.”

“Are you kidding? That’s like, stygian,” said Doug.

“What’s that mean?” said Sid.

“Never mind. How’d you two meet?” said Doug.

“I was working on a car for Moribund Funeral Home. Lynn came to pick it up. It was like this instant connection,” said Sid. “I think she’s the one.”

“Whoa. How long have you two gone out?” said Doug.

“Eleven months.”

“Eleven months? And you didn’t tell me? I’m hurt, seriously hurt, Sid,” said Doug. “I suppose mom and dad already know.”

“No. That’s why I’m telling you. I want to tell them, you know, have her meet the family, but I don’t know how to bring it up,” said Sid. “Any ideas?”

“At this point they should be ecstatic. Mom’s given up hope of ever having grandkids. Dad, well, wait. I’ve got it. Tell him you found a way to get cheap funeral arrangements. When he bites, bring out his new future daughter-in-law,” said Doug.

Sid raised an eyebrow at Doug.

“What?” said Doug.

“I’m not doing that,” said Sid.

“Why not? It’s perfect.”

“What if she can’t get a discount?” said Sid.

“Good point,” said Doug.

They both stared at the peewee hockey players as they finished their game.

“I wish that was one of my kids down there,” said Doug.

“Me, too,” said Sid.

“It sounds like you’re a lot closer to it than I am,” said Doug.

They sat in silence for a minute, staring off into nowhere.

“Let me get you a beer,” said Sid.

“Better yet, get me a girl. Does your girlfriend have friends? Live ones, I mean,” said Doug.

“Shut up,” said Sid.


About vanyieck

There is nothing about me that is more interesting than you. I am a man. I have a wife and family. I have a career. I have two dogs. I
This entry was posted in brother, brothers, fiction, flash fiction, funeral home, humor, humour, mortician, short fiction, short story, story, storypraxis and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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