Intellectual Homicide


A bright orange air ambulance buzzed over downtown

“Looks like somebody’s having a bad day,” said Kingston.

Otis watched the helicopter until it disappeared behind the skyline. He was too sullen to care about someone else’s bad day.

“What’s up with him?” Sebastian asked Piper.

“I’m guessing a First World problem,” replied Piper.

“I wonder where it’s going?” asked Kingston. He was still looking at the sky.

“Israel Kamakawiwo’ole,” said Sebastian.

“Was that even English?” snapped Otis.

“Hawaiian, actually,” said Piper. “It’s a name, to be specific.”

“What’s that have to do with anything?” snarled Otis.

“It’s the answer to Kingston’s question,” said Sebastian.

“He did the most amazing version of ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’,” said Piper.

“Then why can’t you just say that?” complained Otis.

“What’s got your knickers in a twist?” asked Kingston.

“Yeah. What gives? You’re acting all Barney,” said Sebastian.

Otis shrugged his shoulders and looked at Piper.

“You’ve got trouble,” whispered Piper.

“Well, I shaved off my beard and mustache. Now, the facial recognition security feature on my phone doesn’t recognize me,” explained Otis.

“You shaved? I totally didn’t notice,” said Sebastian.

“How did we miss that? You look younger,” said Kingston.

“Does that mean you’re locked out of your phone?” asked Piper. Her forehead wrinkled as she thought.

“Totally and completely,” sighed Otis.

“McFerrin the moment, dude,” said Kingston.


“Don’t worry, be happy,” Sebastian interpreted for Otis.

“No, wait. That’s totally a Second World problem,” said Piper.

“Explain,” said Kingston.

“Otis, is everything on your phone?” asked Piper. There was a tension in her voice.

“Totally and completely,” sighed Otis.

“Holy EMP, Batman. You’ve been Chernobylled,” said Sebastian.

“KABOOM,” added Kingston.

“What are your options?” asked Piper.

“What’s left after a social lobotomy? Complete neanderthal,” said Sebastian.

“You know, there’s an opportunity here. I’m talking a ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ sort of thing,” said Kingston.

“Oh yeah. Zombies make everything better,” said Sebastian.

“What’re you saying?” Otis turned to Piper. “What’re they saying?”

“You could rewrite your life. Start over,” explained Piper.

“Intellectual homicide,” said Sebastian. He smiled to himself as he nodded his head.

Otis rubbed his face in frustration. “I gotta go figure this out,” he said as he turned to leave.

The others silently watched him leave. When he was out of earshot Piper spoke. “Definitely a Second World problem.”

“But every problem is an Edison,” said Sebastian.

“Truer words, man. Truer words.”


About vanyieck

There is nothing about me that is more interesting than you. I am a man. I have a wife and family. I have a career. I have two dogs. I
This entry was posted in Bobby McFerrin, cell phone, Don't Worry Be Happy, facial recognition, fiction, flash fiction, humor, humour, intellectual homicide, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, short fiction, short story, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, story, zombies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Intellectual Homicide

  1. Tony Trudgian says:

    I agree with Otis, I’m confused too, with all the “hipster sayings” I’m out of touch. Must be an age thing!

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