International Toilet Paper Week


The picture of Colton lovingly caressing a roll of toilet paper made Brody stop in his tracks.

“What the-” said Brody.

“It’s Toilet Paper Appreciation Week. A week when we take time to celebrate the considerable improvements toilet paper makes in our every day lives,” explained Colton.

“For real?”

“Yeah. October thirteenth to the seventeenth.”

“You’re making this up,” Brody scoffed.

“Nuh uh. It just so happens I’m Director of the International Toilet Paper Appreciation Society. Our slogan is ‘We Help IT-PAS.’ Get it? I thought it was clever,” said Colton, with a self-satisfied grin.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna ask this, but how did you become the director of a toilet paper club?”

“It’s the International Toilet Paper Appreciate Society.”

“Yeah, whatever. It’s a freaky fetish fan club.”

“No, that’s the Toilet Paper Pleasure Society. They’re more of a social club. The ITPAS is in good standing with the global toilet paper community. In fact, we’re the governing body for the annual toilet paper awards,” said Colton.

“You’re making this up.”

“They’re called the ‘Toities’. They’re very prestigious in the industry.”

“Let me get this straight. You made up a stupid organization, named yourself the director, all just because you can,” said Brody.


“That’s stupid.”

“It isn’t.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t. That’s also how I became a six time International Turkey Bowling Federation champion. I have the trophies to prove it. When I retired from competition I became commissioner.”

“C’mon, man,” said Brody in exasperation.

“I’m serious. I left the ITBF to become Director of ITPAS.”

“But it’s all made up.”

“Exactly. I got tired of trying to fit into everyone else’s idea of success, so I created my own,” said Colton.

“That’s great if you don’t want anyone else to recognize your accomplishments,” said Brody. Colton leaned back in his chair.

“It’s funny you should say that. Last month I was invited by the government of Nrovsekistan as an advisor on their National Waste and Environmental Policy Committee. The work we did there may even be adopted by the UN.”

Brody’s jaw dropped in shock.

Colton smiled. “Walk with purpose, speak with authority and someone will eventually believe you.”


About vanyieck

There is nothing about me that is more interesting than you. I am a man. I have a wife and family. I have a career. I have two dogs. I
This entry was posted in fiction, flash fiction, humor, humour, International Toilet Paper Appreciation Society, International Turkey Bowling Federation, short fiction, short story, story, success, toilet paper and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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