The Netarian Doctrine


“Why do you have candles around your router?”

Dylan smiled. “You noticed.”

“Hard not to. You got melted wax all over your cables,” said Carson.

It was the first time he’d been in Dylan’s room, even though they’d been in the same dorm all year. It was only after they were assigned to a project together that’s he’d seen the place Dylan called ‘The Sanctuary’.

“What gives?”

Dylan placed his palms together and bowed. “Welcome to the Temple of Net.”

“The temple of what?”

“The Net.”

“I don’t get it.”

“This is my church,” announced Dylan.

“It’s a dorm room,” scoffed Carson.

Dylan frowned. “Don’t infringe on my human rights, man. This is my church.”

“How do you figure?”

“I’m glad you asked. I worship the greatest god ever conceived by man. The internet.”

Carson took a step back. “You’re joking.”

“No, man. It’s brilliant. Consider the divinity of the World Wide Web. The Trinity of the Net.”

“Okay,” said Carson. He was wondering if this was a joke.

“First, there’s Google. It’s the greatest of all things, the source of all answers. What ever you’re searching for, Google is there. Seek and Google shall find.”

“Whoa, let me step away from you. I don’t wanna be collateral damage when you’re struck by lightening.”

Dylan ignored Carson. “Wikipedia is the compendium of all knowledge. It’s the greatest accumulation of intelligence in the history of humanity.”

“Except for that time when someone edited the ‘Reality’ page and called it a commodity,” scoffed Carson.

Dylan nodded. “Wikipedia is mysterious and wise.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“But that’s what Wikipedia wanted you to mean.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Only to the unbelievers. You should join me. Become a Netarian. It’s easy,” urged Dylan.

“Really? How would one do that?”

“Join fellowship with the third member of the trinity. Facebook.”

Carson frowned. “I’m already on Facebook.”

“You’re halfway there! Do you pray?”

“To who?”

“Google. Every search is a prayer. It makes sense, right?”

“I pray to God,” said Carson, even though he really didn’t.

“Sure, but do you get an immediate response?”


“I get answers instantaneously. Every time. It’s very satisfying.”

Carson grimaced. “I guess, but it’s not real.”

Dylan shrugged. “What’s real? I’ll tell you what, though. The university recognizes my faith.”

Carson’s jaw dropped. “No way.”

“They asked me to write up Netarian doctrine for the religious department. They want to use it as a textbook in their comparative religion course.”

“That’s insane.”

“No, my young Padawan. It’s the modern world.”

About vanyieck

There is nothing about me that is more interesting than you. I am a man. I have a wife and family. I have a career. I have two dogs. I
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4 Responses to The Netarian Doctrine

  1. Pat says:

    How true. Even if people don’t believe in God, they want to pray to something. I have figured out that is the world.

  2. Anthony Trudgian says:

    All this time I’ve been wondering where “the cloud ” is. Now I know!

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