(This was discovered scrawled on the back of a sales receipt near the body of a man found in the mall parking lot after a riot of shoppers on December 24th:)
I, John Mortimer Percy, of sound mind, bequeath all of my last minute purchases to their intended recipients. For my wife, Janice, I leave a high capacity bread warmer. It is the perfect relief from unwanted stale pastries, according to the sales lady. May it bring practical comfort. For my son, Jethro, I leave the complete works of William Shakespeare. I know you prefer video games, but that rots your brain. Reading is better for you. Pick up a book once in a while. For my daughter, Janice, I leave a festive holiday cheese slicer. I only remembered after I bought it that you are lactose intolerant. Sorry. It’s the thought that counts.
May these gifts, purchased with love and desperation, be warmly received. I regret the foolishness of starting my Christmas shopping so late. That decision alone may place in question the soundness of my mind. As I reflect on it, the gifts I’ve chosen don’t help my cause much, either.
Please know that I love you, that my last thoughts were of you all, and my dying wish is that you caught my hints and bought me the phone I always wanted.
Your loving husband and father,
John Mortimer Percy
December 24, 2018