Wisdom of the Mundane

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“What did you do this weekend? Anything fun?” Corey asked Tom on Monday morning.

Tom sat at his desk and leaned back. “Let’s see. I got the oil changed on the car, mowed the lawn, weeded the garden. Oh. I also did laundry.”

Corey shook his head. “When did we get so old and responsible?”

“It had to get done,” replied Tom.

“Did it? Isn’t life supposed to be an adventure? Exploring and discovering and stuff?”

“You watch too many commercials. I hate to break it to you, but life isn’t about adventure. It’s about survival,” said Tom.

“How is landscaping survival?”

“Take care of the little things so you can do bigger things,” replied Tom.

“You sound like a swami.”

Tom thought for a second. “I can handle that.”

“Okay, O wise man, what is the meaning of life? Enlighten me,” scoffed Corey.

Tom sighed. “Do justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God.”

Corey took a step back. “That’s actually profound. Where’d you come up with that?”

Tom smiled. “You have a lot of time to think folding laundry.”

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National Knife Day

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Carson burst into the office waving a knife over his head. He was babbling something about a miracle.

At the reception desk, Wendy reeled back. “You can’t bring a weapon in here. What’s the matter with you?”

He looked at the knife in his hand, and then at Wendy. “What? No. this isn’t a weapon. It’s the pocket knife I had as a kid. I lost it on a trip to the Grand Canyon when I was nine. Out of the blue it showed up in my mail yesterday. It’s a National Knife Day miracle!”

“What’re you jabbering about? What’s National Knife Day? Are you high?” demanded Wendy. The scene caught the attention of Cassie and Brody a couple of cubicles over.

“It’s the day we celebrate all that’s wonderful about knives,” replied Carson.

Wendy rolled her eyes and shook her head. “That’s stupid?”

“Wha-“ sputtered Carson. His jaw fell open. “Knives are one of the most important inventions we’ve ever created. They’re the simplest yet most elegant tools ever. With them we’ve conquered our battle with survival. With them we’ve built a civilized society. They’re still being used for everything from food preparation to creative expression. That’s not even to mention that they demonstrate our mastery in chemistry and industrial innovation. No! Knives are more than a tool. They are an expression of who we are as human beings.”

Carson finished to discover Wendy focused on her computer, ignoring him. “Whatever,” she said.

A couple of cubicles over, Brody turned to Cassie. “You know, I have the same feelings about chocolate.”

 

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Solar Eclipse

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Barry passed out on the couch with a half eaten pizza while watching footage of the solar eclipse on the TV. Almost immediately he was surfing on a giant slice of pepperoni across a sea of mozzarella.

Catching a mushroom ramp, he launched into outer space, the ship he was flying fuelled on globules of fat in the pepperoni. The earth slipped in front of the sun, and Barry marvelled in the corona of the celestial fireball.

A giant thumb, like from the very hand of God, shoved Barry back down to earth and into a bottle of Corona beer. With his arms trapped, he was placed on a table overlooking the most beautiful beach he’d ever seen. The hand lifted the bottle to take a drink. Helplessly, Barry’s face was drenched to almost drowning.

In panic, Barry woke to the slobbery jowls of his St. Bernard, licking pizza sauce from his face. He pushed the dog off the couch. Slowly, he regained his senses.

Reflecting on what he could remember of his dream, he thought it was good that eclipses don’t happen very often.

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Modern Hierolyphics

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A notification sound on Ben’s phone chimed, attracting Raquel’s attention. She watched him look down, then reel back in frustration.

“Something wrong?” she asked.

“Humanity’s doomed,” he replied.

“You got that from a message on your phone?”

“Yes. It was a text from a professor friend of mine. He used emojis. Can you believe it?” he ranted, waving his arms in disgust.

Raquel frowned. “I musta missed something. How does that spell humanity’s demise?”

“Are you serious?” demanded Ben. “A smart guy. A doctor, even, has embraced the lowest form of communication.”

“I thought puns were,” said Raquel.

“That’s the lowest form of humour.”

“Oh,” said Raquel. “I wonder if you can use emojis to make puns.”

Ben’s jaw dropped in horror. “I can’t talk to you right now.”

“Wait a second. I once heard someone say that through all of history, everything that could be said has already been said.”

“What’s your point?” snapped Ben.

“Assuming that’s true, the only unique form of communication is through expression, not content.”

“And?”

“Emojis are a new means of expression. A completely new language,” explained Raquel.

“That’s stupid,” grumbled Ben.

“It’s modern hieroglyphics. Who knows? One day entire novels might be written in emojis.”

Ben glared at Raquel. “Did you come up with that yourself?”

Raquel picked up her phone and sent off a text. Ben’s phone chimed. He looked down and read the message from Raquel. It was an emoji.

👍.

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Magnetic Approach to Dating

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At halftime of the football game, Kale and Rayden stood up to stretch their legs.

“That was a disaster,” said Kale.

“Worst play I’ve ever seen,” answered Rayden.

They both stood in reflective silence, shaking their heads.

“Say, didn’t I see you with a new woman last weekend?” asked Kale.

“What? Oh, right. Yeah. It was a kind of a blind date. It didn’t go very well,” replied Rayden.

“No?”

“Her biological clock was ticking. Know what I mean?”

“Ouch.”

Rayden shrugged. “It wasn’t so bad. We were just at different places in our lives.”

“Huh.”

“I got another date this weekend.”

“Anyone I know?”

“Nah. I met her through a dating website.”

“You may get and ‘F’ for relationships, but you get an ‘A’ for effort,” said Kale.

“I gotta stay positive. The way I figure it, you get back what you send out. Sow positivity to reap positivity,” explained Rayden.

The two watched as three pre-chosen fans from the crowd attempted field goals for money.

“Don’t you agree?” asked Rayden.

“I use more of a magnetic approach,” said Kale. “Opposites attract. Negative to positive I’m negative, so I’ll attract someone positive.”

“How’s that workin’ out?”

“Terrible, actually,” said Kale. “But at least I’m never disappointed by the results.”

 

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The Thin Line

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“I saw the guy on TV last night. I’m telling you, he’s a ticking time bomb. A complete nut case,” argued Cassidy.

“Look, he’s unconventional, but you gotta admit he’s a marketing genius. Nobody manipulates the media as well as he does,” responded Aaron.

“I heard the line between genius and insanity was thin, but…”

Before she could finish her sentence, Aaron slipped on the top step of the stairwell and slid butt first down a flight of stairs.

“Oh!” exclaimed Cassidy. “Are you alright?”

Aaron sat at the base of the stairs assessing his faculties. His right butt cheek hurt the worst, but his elbows also throbbed.

“I think so,” he said. He slowly started to get up. That was when he noticed his back was getting stiff.

In the stairwell Aaron thought he heard the echo of giggling.

“Are you getting a kick out of this?” he asked Cassidy.

“Well,” she admitted, “I do wish I caught it on video so I could put it on Fail Army.”

“You’re sympathy is overwhelming,” scoffed Aaron.

“Sentimentality doesn’t make you viral on the internet.”

“Do you want me to do it again so you can film it?” asked Aaron.

“You’d do that? What would be awesome!”

“No!” shouted Aaron. The echo in the stairwell was deafening.

“Geez. You don’t have to be so sensitive,” said Cassidy.

“Not as sensitive as my butt feels right now.”

Cassidy laughed. “How do you expect me to be sympathetic when you say funny stuff like that?”

Aaron sighed. “Apparently the line between comedy and concern is thin, too.”

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Phone-bidextrous

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A growl of complaint from across the table woke Brighton from his daydream. He looked up to see Paige wiping her cell phone with a paper towel.

“I hate it when you get your screen greasy when you’re eating,” she fumed.

“I guess,” replied Brighton.

“It’s because the hand I use to eat is my phone hand,” she said.

“I don’t have that problem,” proclaimed Brighton.

“Why’s that?”

“I trained myself to be phone-bidextrous. I eat with my right hand and use my phone with my left. Or, you could learn to eat with your left so your right hand’s free to use your phone,” explained Brighton.

“You made that up. There’s no such thing as phone-bi-whatever.”

Brighton smiled. “There wasn’t until I made it up. It works. Really.”

Paige thought for a moment, then followed Brighton’s advice. It only took a few minutes to get the hang of it. Brighton watched with a pleased expression on his face.

“Okay, it works,” she conceded. “But I’m not gonna call you a genius.”

“That’s okay,” replied Brighton. “True genius doesn’t need affirmation.”

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